Do you ever drive yourself crazy? I do.
Like really, I do.
And I hate it.
I feel so busy and overwhelmed all the time, but I know it is self-inflicted. I criticize myself for how busy I am, yet I am so quick to volunteer for things. I hate that I feel like I never have it together, when I know no one really ever has it together. And I get anxiety from it, no matter how much logic I apply to the situation. I’m a flawed perfectionist, and I know that.
Sometimes I don’t have energy to complete the long lists of things to do. I’m the one making the list, but why does it seem like the list is endless? If I write it, can’t I write a shorter one?
This year has been full of many ups and downs. I have had to adjust to no longer being a student and how to navigate life outside of seminary. I have experienced wonderful celebrations, amidst tragedies. I have laughed. I have cried. I have mourned. I have grown. I have loved and felt loved. I have sighed. I have ran (more of an accomplishment than you’ll ever know.) I have travelled. I have swam. I have drank. I have eaten. I have taught. I have written.
Yet, I still thirst for more.
But where do I even put the more?
I recently went on two trips that surprised me with perspective and breathing room that I didn’t realize I was so desperate for. Both trips felt like their purposes were not my own, and I had anxiety going into them, knowing that my last few travels were stressful and rushed.
Somehow, God managed to shake me out of my state of anxiety and opened my eyes to the world that I had been missing. I am an adventurer, but I have been missing my adventures. Some of them turned into obligations and lost their magic. I was beginning to fear that I was losing my sense of wonder about the world, but it’s still there. It just needs fostered, not squashed with the burdens I place on myself. While these trips started as something I felt like I had to do, they became so much more. I went on walks and saw new things and took time to reflect on how I have spent my 29 years here on the Earth and how I want to spend the next. I don’t have a perfect vision, but I have some more insight.
I am making a vow to God and to myself to create the spaces in my daily life for gratitude, prayer, meditation and reflection. All of them are worthy of my time and need to be given their place so I can continue to grow in His presence. When I focus on these things, the ones that are worthy of my time become clearer and others fade into the background.
I hope that anyone reading this, who feels stressed or driven crazy by their busyness will find some time to breath. Seek solace in God, in your prayer closet. Connect with your soul and give thanks for the little things that make life interesting: for love, for grace, for family, for fellowship, for service. It’s not an easy road, but it’s worth making the space for.
Do you ever feel this way? How do you step back and make time for your soul?